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AN
ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To
the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah
night before last.
Date: 2015-11-27, 1:43
am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing
the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over,
shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's
purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come
across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to
apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap
in your pants when I drew my pistol after
you took my
jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing
the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend was happy that I just
returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan ..
she
had just bought me that Kimber custom Model 1911 .45 ACP
pistol
for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it
that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very
intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't
it?!
I
know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd
come
from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking
bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and
wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to
your buddies to come help mug us again).
After
I called your mother
or "Momma" as you had
her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what
you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as
those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The
guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely
grateful!
I
gave your shoes
to a homeless guy
outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your
wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into
the big
pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .....
After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the
entire driver's side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in
two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the
FBI, while mentioning President
Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed
really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he
traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize
for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a
far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I
wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather
immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon,
and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue
in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a
good day!
Thoughtfully yours.
Semper fi
,
Alex
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